It has been almost a year and a half since my last blog post. This recent realization came with an intense feeling of embarrassment, a feeling usually buried deeply under a growing number of anxieties sneakily hidden between the hours of every working day. This embarrassment, however, was not necessarily linked to lack of producing something of value – after all, there have been other areas where much of my attention has gone to.
From a publication on the threat of COVID-19 to the Polish trans community to an interview concerning the increasingly horrifying reality of being trans in the United States, I kept fairly busy outside of my regular workdays, which in the last couple of months have also included – as part of my chosen professional development path – a (somewhat deeper) dive into the world of corporate social responsibility.
What has brought up these difficult feelings was, in fact, the sheer irony of having celebrated Trans Visibility Day, followed by an almost immediate retreat into extreme privacy. Within a few weeks from publishing that blog post, I deleted social media apps from my phone, stopped posting or reacting to others’ activity, which in turn led to missing messages on different platforms and catching up with them weeks, even months afterwards.
And although there was not anything wrong about my clear need to retreat, it felt difficult. As someone who previously was very outspoken online about social justice, trans rights in particular, my own silence bothered me, and yet, at that time, stepping away was the right thing to do.
Those of us who have been active in human rights causes understand the need to keep going – social justice does not take a break. There is always a need to raise awareness about a cause, help someone by connecting them to community and/or resources, meet an important contact who may be able to push our advocacy goals forward and work on many other causes and issues.
We take those tasks on, sometimes forgetting that to be able to keep the momentum, we also need to be able to keep going. And that may not be possible if we allow burnout or exhaustion to take over our lives. Having experienced the effect of those feelings firsthand almost a decade ago, I realized that a break from certain aspects of visibility was necessary, even at a cost of losing connection to a number of people from my community.
It becomes a difficult balance to maintain – retreating inwards and away from visibility in a time when that visibility can become an important part of a larger political puzzle. Many times, in the last year and a half I thought that about how my sudden disappearance can be seen as giving up or giving in to the increasingly hostile political climate against trans people, not only in the US but globally. And yet – I remained of the impression that shifting focus will lead to a reimagined way of engaging socially. I reevaluated where my energy was most needed, who benefitted from it and ultimately how I could continue to show up for others while also not losing the ability to show up for myself.
As I slowly begin to think of reengaging in certain online spaces and reconnect with friends, peers and colleagues who have not heard from me in a what seems like a very long time, I remind myself that intentionality should remain at the center of this “comeback”. To reengage means to make a promise of presence. Without presence, there is no action. If I am going to be present, I certainly should be rested enough to be able to (re)act. And so should you. Take a break when you know you need one. It is vital and will benefit not just yourself but also everyone you wish to be present for.
Mentioned in this post:
- W. Dynarski, J. Kata, M. Przepiórkowski, W. Rafałowski, E. Wiśniewska, A survey report: The Polish transgender community during the COVID-19 pandemic, Warszawa, Fundacja Trans-Fuzja, 2022.
- Fala przemocy wobec osób trans – co dzieje się w USA? [A Wave of Violence Against Trans People – What is Happening in the US?], Radio Tok.fm, 2023.
- 10 Great Resources on Activist Wellbeing, The Commons – Social Change Library.
- J.A. Kent, Need a Break from Social Media? Here’s Why You Should — and How to Do It, Harvard Summer School, 2023.
- K. Burns, The internet made trans people visible. It also left them more vulnerable, vox.com, 2019.
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